unwritten

It’€™s kind of funny how things sometimes turn out… Things are even better when it is completely unexpected! Well… sometimes it’€™s a good thing… sometimes I guess it can be a horrible thing. Not to worry though, this is definitely one of those good times. I have been talking to Austin almost every day now on WoW and/or on vent. Sometimes on Skype as well. I won’€™t lie, the Skype thing was a pretty big deal. I mean I hadn’€™t used Skype since I talked to Earl on it. Yeah, harsh memories. But with Austin it’€™s been pleasant so far and actually he ended up calling me the other night and we talked for quite a bit. Like actual on the phone talking. For hours. More than expected. I’m pretty introverted and after my whole experience with Earl, I’€™m not exactly looking forward to opening up to anyone else. But with Austin, it’€™s different! I know, I know. This is what I always say >.> but I’€™m completely serious this time around. Trust me I€’ve learned my lesson and don’€™t want to get heartbroken again. Austin actually listens though! On one of the nights I went through the whole ordeal with Earl in detail and he listened, even when I cried like an idiot. He’s just really extremely nice to talk to and makes me feel happy. I really need happy right now.

I wish I could remember exactly the way things progressed from here but I’€™m winging it from texts/msgs.

At this point we’€™ve been talking for a little over 3 weeks so I feel we know each other pretty well. He comes on vent all the time and he does random stuff with me on WoW like PvP. On this particular day -€“ February 6th -€“ while doing some PvP on WoW I was private messaging Austin (while I believe also being on vent with him [I think this wasn’€™t spoken out loud because Jay was on vent too]) and he asked me something that I can honestly say is the cutest thing any boy has ever asked me. The conversation went a little something like this:

Him: Have you heard of a facebook marriage?
Me: What do you mean?
Him: Sometimes two people just put they are married, when they are just talking and stuff.
Me: Oh okay… Have you ever been in one?
Him: A long time ago but just like by myself, didn’t have another person put it as married on their profile too.
Me: Ohhhh…
Him: Do you think you would wanna do that?
Me: Do what? Be in a fb marriage with you?
Him: Yeah.
Me: I guess so. (At this point I changed my relationship status and sent him the status request which he immediately accepted.)

Alright, so I’m not exactly known for being the smartest cookie in the crayon box. I thought the idea was the cutest thing ever but also made me nervous. Did I really wanna rush into this? But it’€™s only a facebook status, no big deal. Even after a TON of his friends and family members commented on our relationship status, I still thought to myself no big deal. It’€™s not like we’€™re dating *insert nervous laughter* Laurie told me the next day, she thought that was a clear enough sign that yes we were in fact dating. I still brushed it off. I think I would know if I was his girlfriend… Not that I don’€™t want to be. I mean I do, like I really would like to be but… This does feel a bit rushed =/

I wanted to talk to him about it but didn’t know how to bring it up. After some thinking, I decided I wouldn’t bring it up. I mean if he wanted me to be his girlfriend then he would tell me, right? Right! Okay then.

About an hour into our conversation on Skype, he referred to me as his girlfriend and for the first time in years I had the “€œbutterfly”€ feelings. Should I have told him my concern about rushing into this relationship? Probably. But it made me happy and being the selfish creature that I am, that’s all I cared about. Besides he’s in Nevada and I’€™m in New Jersey. It’€™s too soon to determine anything, but I do want to know where this goes. It‒s exciting. I have to say I also quite enjoy his endearments [i.e. the random “I love you”€ posts on my wall]. It’€™s just nice having someone that you can show affection to and will return it with equal value.

Valentine’€™s Day is just around the corner. I’m not the type of girl to expect anything. Do I want some nice gifts? Heck Yeah! But I don’€™t expect it. But now that I have a boyfriend maybe I was expecting just a little something. Don’€™t worry; this is not where I start writing about being disappointed. Actually I was quite pleasantly surprised by a delivery of beautiful flowers for the special day!

Something I also feel I should mention is we started using Voxer app on our phones to leave each other little messages and send each other pictures every so often. There is seriously no better feeling for me than seeing him leave me a voice message on there. I will listen to it over and over. Honestly I was a bit meh about leaving him messages. I hate my voice, always have and always will. But he wanted me to and so as a good girlfriend I did. And now we leave messages for each other all the time because text messages can only do so much and hearing his voice is just freaking amazing. [note: I have always had a “thing”€ for the sound/tone of a guy’€™s voice and Austin is definitely top 5 best/awesome/sexy/cute voices ever] I think it’s a definite must have app for a long distance relationship.

But anyways the month progressed just as beautifully. Well for the most part >.> Like any normal couple we have already hit a few bumps.

You see we were going to have our 3rd Skype date and he informed me he was having a boy weekend. To clarify, we don’€™t use Skype to video chat every day. Because of my home life (aka my crazy and nosy mother watching my every move) I can only use the webcam late at night on the weekends so needless to say Skype “œdates”€ are pretty darn important. His “€œwow weekend”€ basically means his best friend is coming over to play WoW and sleepover, which means no privacy for our date. *sigh* I was especially upset when he decided to tell me this the day of our date; more specify a few hours right before. Oh yeah, I was livid. It hasn’t been a month into our relationship, this is our 3rd freaking date, and he is cancelling on me for video games?!?!? I threw a tantrum of epic proportions and the end result was we had our date,€“ he took his mom’€™s laptop and went into another room so we could have privacy. Okay, so maybe having a tantrum wasn’t my best idea. I’€™m a person with high emotional output #fact. I can’€™t help it. But I did apologize for being childish and he apologized for cancelling it in the first place. Problem solved.

On to the next one…

I don’t actually remember much about this fight but I know I said some things I probably shouldn’t have. What happened was, I was very sick, like high fever delusional sick. And well… this is hard to say… ugh… I have a lot of insecurities about my relationship with Austin. Mostly due to the fact that he has had many more girlfriends/relationships than I’ve ever had. So in other words… I’m freaking jealous. Oh spare me the “..but that was the past” blah blah blah crap, I already know all that. Doesn’t change how I feel though. On this particular night, as I layed in bed talking to him on the phone, all I could think about was how experienced he was. And how inexperienced I was at everything. It sucked. Being as sick as I was (I believe my fever that night was over 99) I had a major case of word vomit. Like I said, between my already bad memory and the fever I don’t remember exact words. I do, however, remember saying something along the lines of “…I’m not your first so you shouldn’t be my first”. Yeah, I’m pretty f**ked up when I’m sick + emotional. Next day I apologized for whatever it was I said and he accepted it and told me it was okay. I asked him to tell me what exactly I said but he said it was best just to let it go since he could tell I wasn’t myself.

But yeah that was February… OH SNAP! Almost forgot!

I received my monthiversary present a bit earlier than expected, check it out!

Such a beautiful necklace, I freaking love it!

Yeah… I’m a pretty lucky girl right now <3

Next time… The mighty month of March!

The entry way for a new year paves the path for the remainder of that year, or at least that’s what people like to say. I, for one, hope that is definitely not true. For starters, New Years sucked major a**. Why? Oh come on! Because of a boy >.> [ this shouldn’t be a surprise, should it ? ] But yes, I let a boy (man-child?) ruin the start of the new year for me. In fact, he pretty much ruined the whole holiday season for me. Now before we bring out the torches and try to burn him at the stake ( sooooo tempting ) the whole thing was my fault. RELAX! I’m not one of those girls either. I am, however, a girl that is responsible for her own actions. I messed [ super loose term here ] around with a guy that a 3-year girlfriend. And I’ll spare you the nasty details and cut to the bottom line: he chose her over me. (insert tears and self-destructive behavior and chocolate)

But here is the sticky part. You see, he was an officer in my world of warcraft guild where I am, you guessed it, guild leader. [ do i now how to make a mess or what ?!?! ] He was in the guild from almost the start and had a huge hand in developing it so what now?? Being the mature reasonable person I am, I told him to stay and even told him to remain being a raider.

*gasp*

I know, I didn’t think this through AT ALL.

Seeing him online after the “breakup” was horrible. I don’t think I have ever experienced true heartbreak before him. Because as stupid as his empty words were… they were still exactly what I had always wanted to hear from someone. Anywho — Raiding began with only 5 raiders ( this included him ) so we had to pug out 5 more slots each week. Each week we met someone new that either joined our guild or tagged along for the raids each time. By the end of the month, we had managed to recruit 2 amazing players from our pugs and befriended a 3rd player who showed up to raid with us.

As happy as the inner geek-girl was, I still felt horrible seeing him on! It was insane! The moment he logged in I could feel my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach and had to put all my will power to stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. And of course his new attitude wasn’t helping any. Snarky remarks, no direct communication, and his total disregard for what happened got under my skin every single night. But I had to keep strong, guild leader duties and all that good stuff made me “suck it up”. If this was how things had to be from now on then it was time to start getting used to it.

Besides our new friends were really nice! Especially Austin. He’s super nice and funny, we talk quite a bit (even added me on facebook and randomly started texting me haha). I know what you’re thinking though! I won’t be making the same mistake twice >.> He’s really far away too so I don’t think an “us” is even possible. [ He’s in Nevada and I’m in Jersey ] And I don’t think I’m over him quite yet. Because even though at this point it has almost been an entire month, I still have to interact with him 4/7 days of the week. Austin knows the whole story and has been really supportive, like I said super nice guy. We even talked on the phone once or twice - won’t lie I was super nervous ( and partially confused ). He’s definitely different… and somehow exactly what I think I need?

January was one hell of a month ~ 

I realize it’s April now but just look at how much I had to say about just one month! For the next few days I will be posting about each month leading up to the current date and stuff. I wanna keep this all in my memories so I’m gonna have to bore you with all the girly details of my nerdy life. 

I want to say there has been a lot going on the past few months. I want to tell you that I’ve been working towards my many different goals in life. I wish I could say that I have changed my lazy ways and didn’t have just a bunch of excuses to explain my lack of motivation towards life. I’ll spare you though. There hasn’t been anything worth telling about. Maybe minor things here and there but nothing I can remember. Of course my memory isn’t the most reliable. Every so often I feel I put myself in the box of non-living. Like I purposely lock myself away and become this f*cking zombie going through my day the same way I did the day before. Nothing ever changes. I’m not trying to be emo - I swear I’m not trying to. It seems I get like this ‘I hate life’ mood every time my birthday comes around. I feel like I’m getting old. It’s so stupid, I know I’m not old (turning 24) but the not getting anything accomplished yet is depressing. This might not sound the great… but I have always felt I was meant for more than the average person. I can’t explain it. I mean I have felt this way for as long as I can remember but never have been able to find that thing I’ll be good at. Partially because I never try. I always say I’m trying but in reality I’m more like giving it a half-ass attempt. People say knowing the problem is the first step to fixing it. In my case though, knowing the problem just makes me prolong applying the solution.

When did it happen? How is it that I didn’t notice before this? When did I become bargain hunting, coupon using, W.O.W. playing dweeb with a tingle of cheap?! Not that I’m complaining… I am saving money and am now a part of the arguably largest MMO EVER!!!! …okay so maybe this is putting a bit of salt in my cupcake. It doesn’t bother me, it’s just that it makes me feel lame. A bit of a contradiction, I suppose. But there is no escaping the fact that I absolutely love playing W.O.W. No matter how tired I feel, I know I have to put an hour or two of my time daily into the game.

And… well… about being cheap… when did I become the person who buys the store brand soda as opposed to Pepsi just because it saves me 75 cents. When did I become my parents?

I suppose in the long run these things really don’t bother me at all. A lot of people do both these things and there is nothing wrong with them, so why should there be anything wrong with me. World of Warcraft gives me a hobby and bargain hunting saves me a buck or two. Only alternative is to embrace these things with open arms and just give it up. Be proud of whom I am.

A video game loving penny in a jar for a rainy day saver…. It kind of has a nice ring to it =)

It was my birthday on Thursday (23, now) and it was without a doubt the best birthday ever! It also marked my first birthday with Adam which was pretty sweet. Got some awesome gifts (will post pictures later). Had awesome cake. Oh and also had a nervous breakdown. I have impeccable timing for this stuff, don’t I? Ha. I always like to think my birthday really is when marks a new year for me (as opposed to Jan. 1) and it’s the time to make resolutions for myself. Last year my resolutions were pretty much accomplished so I was looking forward to making my list again this year.. and then it hit me… I have no goals for life. All I want to do is sit on my fat ass and play WOW. That’s it. Que the nervous breakdown here. Lucky for me, I had Adam at my side when I started going into cardiac arrest freaking out. I think what it boiled down to was the fact that I hate my life. Like REALLY hate my life. But the worst part is I can fully admit that I don’t have it bad. I have it pretty good actually. Somehow that makes it kind of worse.

But enough with the melodramatics please!

I have tons to sort out in my head for the next few days. Life style changes for sure. But all of them for a better - happier - me in the future.

Besides all that blah blah blah, I went to Brunswick Square Mall (I think that’s what it’s called) off of rt 18 this weekend. Had a giftcard from Barnes and Nobles so I thought I’d use it right away for some manga of course. When I went to check out with Adam on my right and books in hand, I had the utmost pleasure to see my dream guy at the cashier. He was it. That punk emo rocker dude with the piercings, heavy jewelry, and fucking awesome hair that I can only manage to snag in dreams. Of course I told Adam how I felt and teased him all weekend with the ‘BNN Guy’. All in good fun. That is something that I love about my relationship with Adam. While he may get jealous that I go gaga over other guys sometimes, he doesn’t flip his shit because he knows that I love him. I mean sure BNN Guy was hot but I would never wanna get to know him. I’m not interested in that. I just love eye-candy!

A relationship without communication simply cannot work and I’m glad to be able to say my relationship doesn’t fall into that scenario. Yesterday I gave Adam a call and we talked… well… he listened while I cried. I did let him know how I felt about the whole him not texting me and feeling overall like I’m annoying him. He told me to ‘Stop Babe’ LMAO! But seriously I felt better after expressing my view and him telling me what he was or wasn’t thinking. Everything is more or less is worked out, I suppose. For now anyway. Having had that conversation with him though eased my mind and my heart. It also made me realize I was in fact being a tad bit too emotional and was over-reacting. At the end of the day, he is just a man and as a man he can be dense as a rock so I have to make sure to tell him what is bothering me or else how will he know to stop or change what it is he is doing.

I have just about had it. I’m not a girl who asks for much or who is clingy to her boyfriend like gum on a shoe but even I need more than one word answers. Not to mention the fact that it would be nice to be on the receiving end of texts once in awhile. It seems for the past few weeks I’m the one sending out the first text, asking the questions, genuinely having an interest, trying to keep up a conversation, etc, etc, the list could go on for miles. Yes, I know the poor guy is sick right now but guess what, SO AM I! He doesn’t even ask me how I’m feeling at all. Of course telling him this will do nothing at all. I’m over-reacting, is what he’ll tell me as he rolls his eyes and tells me to ‘Stop babe’. He just honestly doesn’t understand. Maybe it’s because he’s older or maybe it’s because he’s a guy. I don’t know. But this is putting a strain on my end for sure and I’m not quite sure how to deal with it just yet.